thoughts at 2.28 am..

i just read your letter again..the one u wrote me the first night after we broke up..did u know??..it was my first ever love letter, if it can even be called that..can't i guess..but still, a letter given to me by someone who loved me..loves me still, or so you claim..the first time i read it that evening, i was furious at quite a few parts..n there were a hundred different answers i wanted to throw at u..i ended up not doing anything at all i think..i guess i needed some time to pass before i read it again calmly..and know what??..this time i felt terribly terribly sad..not angry..not sorry..not guilty..just incredibly sad..i know we will never be friends..you wouldn't be able to be that..and i don't want u to act, at least not when it's just the two of us..and you'll revert back to the guy who loved me if u stop acting as friends..and i'll start feeling guilty again and become all depressed n morose..

its funny u know..i love my friends much much more than any random guy m dating..i'd ditch the guy in a heartbeat if any of my friends needed me and it came down to a choice..that's actually what we've fought over quite a few times..my giving importance to apparently insignificant things in a friend's life as opposed to him..but that's the thing..they aren't insignificant to me..every conversation i have with them, whether it's talking about something terribly important or nothing at all, is important to me..and i find it unfair to put this one guy above all of them merely because i am dating him n m in love with him n stuff..of course, if it were a clear choice between two people in bad situations, i'd choose the person who needed me the most, regardless of whether he is a friend, a boyfriend or some random person i just met..and that's what's funny..i can't truly care about u as a friend till i know that u think of me as a friend too..which is weird coz i normally don't care what people think of me and am a friend anyway..but i guess this time it's a bit different..since u r not just any person..and if i do show that i care, you might take it the wrong way..and i do think that u need to get over me and i wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise that any further than i already have by complicating things more..you probably think m really weird..constantly harping on u to be friends with me..like some pushy kindergarten kid..it's just that..i really do like u a lot..and i can't show it if i can't label it with a tag like "friend"..my best friend among guys is an ex (though he's blanked it out of his mind that we ever went out..lol)..that's how it always is..i either become amazing friends with guys i used to go out with or my amazing friends fall for me..hehe..

i always did think we could be good friends..of course, i had also thought that i'd fall for you, and we both know how that turned out..anyway..do u remember??..i always used to tell u that i was a heartless bitch and that it was ur job to make this heartless bitch care??..remember how i always told u to make me fall for u??..i wouldn't have said that if i didn't believe that u could do it..i guess that in time you would have..i have always known that i have trust issues..major ones..and i can't just go ahead n fall for someone..however much i wanted to..my better self would prevail and would prevent me from ever going completely overboard..i would always have a part which would doubt everything..and if ever anything went wrong, that doubting part of me coupled with a more than healthy dosage of pride would come to the forefront and keep me from breaking down..that's the secret to moving on in an instant i guess..lol..

u wouldn't ever understand why i can't trust anyone..and i don't think i could properly explain it to you either..n no i don't trust him either, in case u were thinking that i do..but in time, i've learnt to believe that he means no harm at the very least..did u know??..i started going out with him coz i was bored and coz i was curious..we used to have all these conversations about sadism..n how it would be an amazing challenge to break another sadist..i actually told him to his face that i thought he asked me out only to try and break me..imagine hearing that from the girl u are completely in love with..hearing that not only does she not have any feelings for you, but she believes u actually mean to harm her instead..imagine what he must have gone through and what he must have had to do to make that girl believe in him and even love him..she kept on throwing test after test at him, trying to make him slip up..but he stuck to his guns..if he had run away even once, that would have been the end of it..like it was with u..with someone like me, u should never leave a door open..i am known to always expect the worst..

i have never broken anyone quite as much as i've broken u i think..and i feel guilty as hell every time i think about it..the only other time that i've ever come close to feeling this is when one of my really good friends fell for me and refused to believe that i did not have any romantic feelings for him..i was merely being normal and friendly towards him, which he took to mean something more..it was then that i decided that it sends out entirely wrong signals if u r "nice" to a guy..i have not been "nice" since..rarely have i ever initiated conversations..sent that first sms..told anyone i missed them or called them up "just like that"..n the times that i have done so, i can count on the fingers of one hand..

you know what??..when he asked me out, i didn't even feel 1/100th of what i felt when u asked me out that morning..isn't it ironic??..with u, i actually thought i'd fall for u..with him, i was merely bored n curious n to some extent wanted to show that i had moved on too, i guess..silly..i genuinely never believed that i'd fall for him..i had hoped of course, like i did every time i agreed to go out with anyone..but by that time, i was more like "bleh..i don't care either way"..and i mistrusted him a lot more than i mistrusted u..or maybe because of u..dunno..

do u know the moment i stopped waiting for you??..the moment i knew it was "over"??..that rainy evening i messaged saying some random guy tried to pick me up on the street..we hadn't spoken in a few days and i was beginning to think that it was over..and i should move on..and i looked for an excuse to message..coz u know i always need to have a "reason" to message..just to see how you'd reply..n you asked me why i hadn't gone with him..i detest caveman-like jealousy or possessiveness..i do..and by all standards, i should have been delighted by your reply..dunno why i wasn't though..and..that was it..i could hear it you know..*clank*..something closed up..and i was out..

lol..1 hour and i am still rambling on randomly..pretty much disjointed thoughts..things i've always wanted to say but never could..things which i felt you would never understand..things u wouldn't wanna hear anyway..things u wouldn't believe even if u did hear them..n of course this ain't all..anyway..back to the point..i read your letter again..i cried..probably coz of the gurren lagann ost playing in the background..

ps: i am in two minds about whether to publish this..few people will know what it's all about anyway..n the ones who will, i am afraid wouldn't like me very much for airing their laundry, dirty or otherwise, in public, so to speak..

~edit~
pps: well looks like i did publish it after all..lol.. :P