epiphany at 2.30 am!!

2.30 am on a wednesday middle-of-the-night..suddenly i hear the sound of some very loud very amateur (emphasis on the very) drumming coming from a neighbouring flat..n pretty soon it is joined by a very loud very weird broken-ish voice trying to "sing"..only it sounds more like a cat getting done from behind by a very large horse..

drawn by some morbid curiosity to put a face(s) to the "unchained melody" sprouting forth, i open the window facing the source of such abomination n what do i see?? one of the neighbourhood kids is vigorously headbanging over his drum kit while waving his hands around n randomly hitting various parts of the said drum kit..and some other older kid is headbanging dangerously close to this first kid's head n i guess it is from his mouth that the horrible painful sound is coming from..

pretty soon it became apparent that i was not the only unwilling audience of this impromptu rendition of god knows what..barnali kakima (the drum kid's mom) suddenly burst into the room and all hell broke loose!! the poor kids got the bashing of their lives..n such caustic vitriol spewed from the mouth of barnali kakima that would put to shame even the makers of delhi belly :P

so..at the end of all this, the moral of the story is ---> i should take care to play my yaoi n hentai vids at a lower volume..never realized that sounds carried so clearly this late at night :P

psychopathy

most people call it a mental illness..i call it the story of my life..hello to me..ur friendly neighbourhood psychopath :)

i have always been a bit weird (ok "bit" was a major understatement)..but most people like me inspite of the weird fruitcake that i am..n some like me "because" of the weird fruitcake that i am..none really understand me and that, apparently, contributes to my "charm"..hehe..

so there i am..abnormal..weird..a certifiable lunatic (according to societal norms, at least)..i am no hypochondriac but i dare anyone to open up a psychology journal n not find at least 15 different mental illnesses that i seem to be afflicted with..but then again, most psychology journals are written by dumb americans who think every tiny thing can be written off as a mental illness..no wonder i found something to blame my laziness in college.."delayed sleep phase syndrome"..quite a mouthful, ain't it??..and the beauty of it was that i didn't even have to make it up..thank u google n wikipedia for letting me go through college without having to attend classes..lol..

anyway, i digress..as usual..so where was i?? ahh..yeah..psychopathy..again wikipedia comes to my aid in defining it as "a term which, until the 1980s, formally referred to a personality disorder characterized by the inability to form human attachment and an abnormal lack of empathy, masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal"..it fits, don't u think?? inability to form human attachment - check, lack of empathy - check, ability to appear outwardly normal - check!!

i had never really thought of going about naming what might be wrong with me (not that i agree that anything is wrong at all)..but when one day in college i hit upon that charming little wiki article on psychopathy during one of my many travails through the timepass heaven that is internet, i still remember saying inside my head: "ding ding ding..bingo!"..stuff fell into place..

dunno if there is an earlier post of mine about this..anyway..i have always liked things..material objects..just.."stuff"..i have never been the coochi-cooing with people type..i interact with people only as far as i need to..i get more cut up about my computer crashing than a person dying..and people i have always viewed as replaceable..they come and go..that kid u played with in kindergarten and who was ur best friend then may not be ur best friend now..u may have a different best friend who has taken the place of ur old best friend..so the post of "best friend" is constant but the person occupying it keeps changing..even i have seemed to be great friends with a lot of people over the years but i can say with conviction that less than a dozen are (or were ever) really considered as "friends" by me..the rest are just random people i am not averse to talking to when i am very bored and none of my friends are available..people are anyway not among my favourites.."people are boring..they are only amusing if you push them down a flight of stairs"..i never did have much regard for human life..too harsh?? ahh well..if that article is really to be believed, its weird that i consider anyone a friend at all..stuff makes me happy..i like stuff more..i could live out my life if i had all the stuff i wanted..simple..hehe..so really it didn't feel like a bolt of lightning hitting me when i read that article..it was more like - oooh really?? cool name of new thingy i seem to have..

i remember telling a friend sometime back that he was timepass..i still don't understand why he seemed so offended and hurt to hear that..life itself is timepass for me..everything i do, everyone i speak to, it is all in order to pass time so that i am not bored..it makes perfect sense to me that a person would live his/her life trying to achieve his/her goals..and my goal just happens to be my own happiness (and i really think most normal people would agree that it makes for a very understandably "normal" goal)..and being bored does not make me happy..is it so inconceivable that i would want to surround myself with those things and people and only with those things and people which are able to give me that?? incidentally, that friend went on to become one of my best friends but still harbours the belief that i do not think of him as important enough..which is weird considering that he is still on timepassing terms with me..maybe i should have explained to him that most people i talk to (but do not think of as friends) are not timepass material and what i had said back then was kind of a compliment..hmmm..

n why m i blabbing all this suddenly out of the blue?? well, as it happens, one of my best friends who had previously claimed never to develop feelings for anyone else, went the utterly predictable route n fell for a girl who was already taken by someone else..needless to say, heartache followed..n so did a nice medium-timed telephone conversation..which got me to thinking (ahh thinking..*sigh*..it's a thing i have to get used to now that i have oh so much idle time to while away)..well it's not like i really didn't expect him to fall for someone..in fact, i was the one who had been telling him for a long time now that he would fall - n fall big - for some girl..it's just that..now i am officially the only one (that i know of) who actually is incapable of feeling such kind of emotions for a person..aaaaaaand if the wiki article on "dissociative identity disorder" is to be believed, then one of me (at least) is a psychopath..there! isn't that a lovely thought?? :)

ps: aah..a nice long rant at last..some vintage moi..sashiburi sashiburi..i thought i had gotten too lazy to blogify random rants like this any more..glad to be proven wrong :P

mesmerizing..

those eyes that caught my attention
that sadistic gleam which was there but a minute
that one glance which told me everything yet nothing
you imprisoned me with just a glare

those eyes which seemed to have a mind of their own
that smile so thin it could cut you
the malice behind it but barely veiled
just who had made you so??

ahem ahem

i loved you, till u killed me
i was there, till u threw me away
but even as i breathed my last
i did not blame you
perhaps i loved you too much
or maybe i just didn't care..

posting from archived old random posts..this was actually part of a long emo piece.. from another time n place..its rather embarrassing reading through it all now..but this part was still quite more poetic than the rest..

so this was my 1st post of the year..after a nice loooooong siesta..lets see if i can get regular in blogging again..