psychopathy

most people call it a mental illness..i call it the story of my life..hello to me..ur friendly neighbourhood psychopath :)

i have always been a bit weird (ok "bit" was a major understatement)..but most people like me inspite of the weird fruitcake that i am..n some like me "because" of the weird fruitcake that i am..none really understand me and that, apparently, contributes to my "charm"..hehe..

so there i am..abnormal..weird..a certifiable lunatic (according to societal norms, at least)..i am no hypochondriac but i dare anyone to open up a psychology journal n not find at least 15 different mental illnesses that i seem to be afflicted with..but then again, most psychology journals are written by dumb americans who think every tiny thing can be written off as a mental illness..no wonder i found something to blame my laziness in college.."delayed sleep phase syndrome"..quite a mouthful, ain't it??..and the beauty of it was that i didn't even have to make it up..thank u google n wikipedia for letting me go through college without having to attend classes..lol..

anyway, i digress..as usual..so where was i?? ahh..yeah..psychopathy..again wikipedia comes to my aid in defining it as "a term which, until the 1980s, formally referred to a personality disorder characterized by the inability to form human attachment and an abnormal lack of empathy, masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal"..it fits, don't u think?? inability to form human attachment - check, lack of empathy - check, ability to appear outwardly normal - check!!

i had never really thought of going about naming what might be wrong with me (not that i agree that anything is wrong at all)..but when one day in college i hit upon that charming little wiki article on psychopathy during one of my many travails through the timepass heaven that is internet, i still remember saying inside my head: "ding ding ding..bingo!"..stuff fell into place..

dunno if there is an earlier post of mine about this..anyway..i have always liked things..material objects..just.."stuff"..i have never been the coochi-cooing with people type..i interact with people only as far as i need to..i get more cut up about my computer crashing than a person dying..and people i have always viewed as replaceable..they come and go..that kid u played with in kindergarten and who was ur best friend then may not be ur best friend now..u may have a different best friend who has taken the place of ur old best friend..so the post of "best friend" is constant but the person occupying it keeps changing..even i have seemed to be great friends with a lot of people over the years but i can say with conviction that less than a dozen are (or were ever) really considered as "friends" by me..the rest are just random people i am not averse to talking to when i am very bored and none of my friends are available..people are anyway not among my favourites.."people are boring..they are only amusing if you push them down a flight of stairs"..i never did have much regard for human life..too harsh?? ahh well..if that article is really to be believed, its weird that i consider anyone a friend at all..stuff makes me happy..i like stuff more..i could live out my life if i had all the stuff i wanted..simple..hehe..so really it didn't feel like a bolt of lightning hitting me when i read that article..it was more like - oooh really?? cool name of new thingy i seem to have..

i remember telling a friend sometime back that he was timepass..i still don't understand why he seemed so offended and hurt to hear that..life itself is timepass for me..everything i do, everyone i speak to, it is all in order to pass time so that i am not bored..it makes perfect sense to me that a person would live his/her life trying to achieve his/her goals..and my goal just happens to be my own happiness (and i really think most normal people would agree that it makes for a very understandably "normal" goal)..and being bored does not make me happy..is it so inconceivable that i would want to surround myself with those things and people and only with those things and people which are able to give me that?? incidentally, that friend went on to become one of my best friends but still harbours the belief that i do not think of him as important enough..which is weird considering that he is still on timepassing terms with me..maybe i should have explained to him that most people i talk to (but do not think of as friends) are not timepass material and what i had said back then was kind of a compliment..hmmm..

n why m i blabbing all this suddenly out of the blue?? well, as it happens, one of my best friends who had previously claimed never to develop feelings for anyone else, went the utterly predictable route n fell for a girl who was already taken by someone else..needless to say, heartache followed..n so did a nice medium-timed telephone conversation..which got me to thinking (ahh thinking..*sigh*..it's a thing i have to get used to now that i have oh so much idle time to while away)..well it's not like i really didn't expect him to fall for someone..in fact, i was the one who had been telling him for a long time now that he would fall - n fall big - for some girl..it's just that..now i am officially the only one (that i know of) who actually is incapable of feeling such kind of emotions for a person..aaaaaaand if the wiki article on "dissociative identity disorder" is to be believed, then one of me (at least) is a psychopath..there! isn't that a lovely thought?? :)

ps: aah..a nice long rant at last..some vintage moi..sashiburi sashiburi..i thought i had gotten too lazy to blogify random rants like this any more..glad to be proven wrong :P