emo angsting at its zenith??

"feel like burying myself inside the pile of blankets..feel like locking the door and throwing the key away..feel like drowning myself in something..anything..just to be able to not think about..anything..just not have to think..period..my normal routine of numbing myself by watching movies..immersing my consciousness into reading or listening to music..till i am actually physically too exhausted to think straight..then dropping into bed..to go back to watching some dream or the other..and again to wake up to the same routine..repeated again..and again..and yet again..a monotonity that is as boring as it is comforting..a series of meaningless events just to pass the time..that's what my life has been reduced to..my room that has become almost a coccoon..my sanctuary..it's as if one world ends outside the door..and another begins on the opposite side..my world..where everything is "peachy"..always..it's like a broken record that is stuck at the same note..and short of pulling the plug on the machine i can't stop the noise..point is..where's the switch??"

emptiness..

it didn’t matter any more..now that he was gone..now that she had finally accomplished the one thing that she had set out to do..obliterated her one hindrance..the world was hers now..finally!!..so why did it seem so empty all of a sudden??..like by extinguishing that one life, the light of her own had somehow been extinguished..it didn’t make any sense..why??..why??..why??

she wanted to cry out in frustration..or just..cry??..no that was absurd..she..did..not..cry..never!!..ever..for anything..she just didn’t feel that much..did she??..then why does it hurt now??..she had heard of “heartache” before..and dismissed it as one of the many things she would never feel..could never feel..because of him..he was the one who was responsible for making her the unfeeling frigid monster she had become in the first place..after she had vowed her revenge against him for all that he had done to her..and finally gone through with it..after all those years..he was exactly where he should be..so why wasn’t she rejoicing right now??..why did it feel like her heart (did she even possess one??) was being ripped to pieces..

in her zeal to mete out judgement to her _____..what was he to her again??..enemy??..prey??.......childhood “idol” and first love??..the one person she thought would never do something like “that”..but all that had changed..the day he left..leaving her..betraying her..killing her..shattering all her naïve dreams..breaking all the bonds that had held him back he said??..n blind in her hero-worship of him, she had even agreed to go with him..just to be together..haha..what a fool she had been..not knowing who this person truly was even after spending almost all her life for him..

she had come a long way from back then..she had changed herself..because naïve fools like her didn’t survive in this world..the world he was the king of..n now she could claim it as hers..the hand that he had extended to her when they had met again after the years had changed her so much that he didn’t even recognize her for who he had once discarded so callously..to rule with him..to be her queen..by his side..she had taken that hand..and broken it..tortured it..and taken immense pleasure in doing so..the sadist that she was..and now that it was finally over..her reason for living evaporated..

she felt..alone..for the very first time..truly alone..for even through those times of pain and hardship, the one thing that had kept her going was the thought of defeating him..finally..at his own game..the desire to see his face contort in pain – and remembrance – was what had barely held her together when she almost fell apart from the sheer helplessness of it all..it’s said that the view from the top of the world might be breathtaking..but it was also terribly lonely..and the one person she had deemed capable of standing next to her – she had killed with her own hands..watched as the life slowly ebbed out of him..second after excruciating second..as the light left his eyes..as that still handsome face settled into a deathly calm..as the look of betrayal gave way to that of eternal sleep..

she walked through the empty house..out into the garden..their garden..past the flowers they had both planted..together..a lifetime ago..past that tree where they had passed many a lazy wintery afternoon..past that little bench which was exactly at the right place to look out over the valley..their valley..she looked at it all..seeing yet unseeing..it was like every tree, every flower, every blade of grass, every bit of everything..reeked of him..reminded her of him..of what was..a lifetime ago..

who was she??..all those months..that fake laugh..was more real than her real laugh..that mask she had worn for his sake..was what she had gradually become..that fantasy she had lived the past months..had become her reality..the unthinkable had happened..with the loss of her innocence, she had also lost any affection she had ever felt for the man who had compelled her into such a situation..but the monster that she had had to become..had fallen for the monster that he had always been..that innocent feeling she that nurtured for him when she was still a child had given way to something else..something deadly..

emptiness..that’s what she felt now..like she was hollow..and his voice was echoing inside..he hadn’t even known why she did what she did..he had died without knowing who she was and why she was wringing his life away from him..just like she had never understood the motives behind his actions that day either..his vague excuse of having to do “something” had never satisfied her..and she had thrown the same words back at him at his deathbed..just so he’d know how it felt..to be thrown away without understanding why..

and somehow..it was all meaningless..true she had all she wanted..but she could never tell anyone that..she could never scream out to the world how happy she was now that she had accomplished her one true goal..the only one who could ever understand how she felt now..was gone..everything had gone according to plan..but maybe it was a mistake to plan only till so far..she had truly never thought of how life would be after he was gone..in her desire to quench her thirst with his blood, she had never planned what to do when she felt thirsty again..her whole life had somehow been always dictated by his actions and she despised herself – and him – for it..which is why she had broken free..but even now when she had torn him like a thorn from a rose, she left like this rose would wilt without it??..why??..truth be told, maybe she had become a monster for him..maybe that was what she had always wanted..maybe she had always been trying to fulfil those childish dreams..her fairytale…..

but how does one get a “happily ever after” once the princess has killed prince charming??

just..don't ask..i should stay away from angsty fanfics n dumb mbs..till i get sane again..
ciao.. :)

dream scape..

just completed the tsubasa chroncile franchise..n m soooo in luuuuuuuv with it..even tho the 2nd season was a bit bleh at times, the ova makes up for that..200%!!..can't wait for the 3rd ep..n sincerely hope they make more ova series..n with production ig!!..if i see more chibiness in place of the true manga story m gonna scream..it totally deserves to be a dark anime with how the manga is being written..clamp is the best!!..n did i mention, kuroxfay is love..L.O.V.E..totally..n its even canon now!!..yieee..i haven't been this fangirly abt a pairing since sasuxnaru or royxed..anyway before i get sucked into one of my "kyaaaaa!!" phases n start drooling over said yummy bishies doing _____ (umm..lets not go into more details here..just leave it at being definitely massive nosebleed material..lol)..lemme get on with the post as it was initially intended then..apart from a top-notch storyline n amazing characters you'll fall in love with, it also has a brilliant soundtrack..the background scores r fab..n even tho i normally don't like insert songs much..these do take the cake.."aikoi" makes me wanna jump up n start dancing (n its been quite a while since that happened..n oddly enough every time i hear it i keep on picturing yuna dancing to it like in the ffx-2 intro!! :O ..dunno why.."real emotion" wasn't that much of a fav anyway..totally weird).."dream scape" on the other hand has the most beautiful lyrics ever..i know its been too long since i last posted any song lyrics, i guess this deserves it tho..so here goes..

~ Dream Scape ~

Mita koto no nai kusa no umi ga
Gin-iro ni yurete zawameite
Yume to utsutsu no sakaime atari no keshiki

Kimi ni deau tame?
Soretomo mada minai dareka no hitomi no tame
Kaze wo wakete yuku
Dream scape...

Mou sugu naru yo ne, mezamashi no oto
Demo sono saki mo mada yume ka mo shirenai ne
Daiji na mono wa doko ni ita tte amari kawaranai yo ne

Mezametemo mada koko ni iyou to omou yo
Sore ga yuuki to iu mono ka to mo omou yo

Sittin' in the silence... Everlasting night breeze
(I believe... I deceive... I relieve...)
Kurasugite mienai dake sa...
In my...

Nakitaku nakute houtte atta mune no sasakure ni
Imagoro oikakerarete iki mo tsukenakute
Shigamitsuite ita shinjitsu ga boroboro ni karete ochiru made

Ima chotto mienai dake sa...

Genjitsu datte yume datte
Kimi wo mayowaseru dake dakara sa

Sakamichi no ue no magarikado, ikutsu demo sono saki ni ikitai
Ongaku no naka ni shika nai fuukei no mukou e
Kurasugite mienai dake sa...

Yume no tsudzuki ni wa yume ga
Nanairo no meiro mitai ni
Onkai no nai kusabue ni uta wo mitsukeru tame ni
Hirosugite me ga kurandemo
Utaisugite nodo ga karetemo
Mita koto no nai kusa no umi wo
Tatoe kimi ga inaku nattemo

Kurasugite mienai dake sa...
Dream scape...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Dream Scape ~ (translated)

A sea of grass I've never seen
Is swaying and rustling in the silver
This is the scenery at the border between dreams and waking reality

Is it in order to meet you?
Or is it for the eyes of someone I still haven't seen?
I'll go on, dividing the wind
Dream scape...

The alarm clock will ring soon, huh?
But what's beyond that might still be a dream, right?
No matter where you are, your precious things don't change, you know

Even if I wake up, I'm sure I'll still be right here
I think that might be what they call courage

Sittin' in the silence... Everlasting night breeze
(I believe... I deceive... I relieve...)
It's just that it's too dark to see...
In my...

The fragment of my heart that I flung away because I didn't want to cry
Is chasing after me now, until I can't even catch my breath
And the reality I clung to withers and falls, piece by piece

It's just that I can't quite see right now...

Whether it's a dream or reality
It will just confuse you

However many bends there are in the road at the top of the hill, I want to go beyond them
To the other side of the scenery that exists only in music
It's just that it's too dark to see...

There's another dream in the continuation of a dream,
Like a maze with seven colors
In order to find a song in a reed pipe that can't play scales,
Even if it's too vast and my eyes get dizzy,
Even if I sing too much and dry out my throat,
I'll take that sea of grass I've never seen and...
Even if you disappear...

It's just that it's too dark to see...
Dream scape...

well thats it for now..looking forward to an extended weekend now..lets see what all it holds..other than a jap marathon..hehe..

jaa..mata ne!!

adrift..

adrift in the middle of the nite..in a sea of boredom..adrift..in the ocean of..life?? (hehe..too corny)..feeling all weird n lonely n stuff like i usually get after reading too many doujins n fanfics..n on top of that there's this incredibly sad soundtrack of fma m listening to (well not really sad..just that my playlist right now consists of only the sad instrumentals..n every time i listen to it i keep on thinking of the series n well it doesn't really make me all happy inside..hehe)

kinda feel philo n poetic..wud pen down sumthg if i could..but as it is, m nt much in the habit of letting my artistic tendencies (yeah right!) embarrass me..feel like leaving everything n just walk off..roam around aimlessly..not knowing where m going..not knowing why m going..just going on..n on..taking each day as it comes..knowing that thats all that matters..the here n now..the present..wish life could be so simple na??..wish we didnt have to think of the damn future all the time..wish we could enjoy our time here w/o needless worries crowding our heads..wish i was born in another time n place..when it would not have been so complicated..i remember wen i was a kid i used to think it would be so cool to b born as some animal..they didnt hav school n could lie around the whole day w/o getting yelled at for being too lazy..hehe..

the idea still appeals to me..guess thats y i chose such an amazing profession (yes m being sarcastic here)..hehe..hopefully after slogging off for 20-30 years i'll finally get wat i've always wanted..blessed freedom!!..all my pent-up desires for roaming the world without bothering about anythg..gotta bottle them up till then..tho how much of a shape i'll be in to "roam" at that age i highly doubt..but at the rate m "de-ageing" i dnt think i'll feel any different about the idea..hehe..so wats left now is just one year of "play time"..gotta squeeze in all i can within this short time..n then..the big bad world awaits..so den everything on hiatus till m pretty much an old hag..lets see how far my plans pan out..for such meticulously laid plans tho, sumthgs bound to go wrong..my immense faith in murphy's laws can't fail me now..hehe..guess nothing left but to wait n watch then..n hopefully in 30 years' time, this blog will have some interesting travelogues too!!

dunno if all tht made sense or not..n not in d mood to go n check it all now..probably a true ramble this time..knw wat i want right now??..other than eternal sleep of course..hehe..a testimonial..been ages since i got one..n since m too lazy to write one dnt think i'll b getting one any time soon..unless i sandbag sum guy to do it..hmmm..chibi ero-sennin?? (lets sincerely hope he reads this n feels the overwhelming urge to write me one..tho he'd probably expect one back n m nt sure i can comply..but in any case..be a darling n write me one will ya!)

well dats it for now..
m half asleep in my chair anyway..
jaa..mata ne!!

.......................... untitled ramblings..??

dunno how to start..where to start..what to start at..its been such a long time since iv blogged..n there's obviously hundreds of things that i shud have to talk about..n i do..more like there's just too much!!..exam blues (like i need to explain that)..journey back home (mandore was a hoot!)..vacations..meeting old frnds (not everyone..but everyone who mattered)..school visit (yes..finally!!)..bros marriage (wich put the makers of "hum aapke hai kaun" to shame..n thats saying sumthg!)..bday (1st one in years to b spent at home..missed the midnite craziness but the rest of the day made up for that..and how!)..cal visit (actually "talked" to my fav - only - kid bro in quite sum time..felt soo nostalgic..n the day was over b4 i knew it)..new years' (half the usual crowd wasnt even thr..but wasnt all that bad either)..new sem..jurisprudence guest faculty woes (yessss..it is the great vss :P)..etc..etc..etc..n all the hilarious incidents in b/w..not to mention my regular stream of anime n dorama inputs..along with a quite liberal dosage of the "normal" (read sumthg in english/hindi) stuff i watch..all of it would obviously nt fit into one entry nor will i even attempt that..if iv been too lazy to do so wen the "cause of action arose", figures i wudnt b too enthusiastic about it so late in the day either..hehe..

fact of the matter is..i almost feel like m still vacationing..wat with our amazing hons. classes (wich r yet to commence..bless snehdeep!) wich leaves me with a free day frm 1.30..like a sunday everyday given my normal schedule..hehe..of course i find numerous past times to pass my suddenly overabundant free time..but the familiar feeling of being bored is set in again..jst over a week into the sem n i already feel like its been a month at the very least..same ol' same ol'..

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yeah..nothing to write..of course not like m outta words n stuff (ask mads n ananya..they'd heartily disagree to the fact that i can ever stop blabbing..n i do mean ever!)..just too lazy i guess (again ask them..my laziness is stuff of legends i tell ya! :P)..n before i start making an absolute mess of an entry n turn myself into a total idiot by blabbering randomly of nothing of consequence (already guilty?)..better let off now..n get goin fr dinner..sdl..first time this sem..n its of course no surprise that m nt too thrilled abt the "journey" :P

so till i feel less lazy..
mata ne!

ps: "taare zameen par" is the best bollywood has offered up in years..maybe ever..totally made me forget the trauma that was "saawariya" (n it wud take an awful lot to do that lemme tell ya)..just goes on to show that u dnt need a six-pack to make a winner..in ur face!! ha!!