psychopathy

most people call it a mental illness..i call it the story of my life..hello to me..ur friendly neighbourhood psychopath :)

i have always been a bit weird (ok "bit" was a major understatement)..but most people like me inspite of the weird fruitcake that i am..n some like me "because" of the weird fruitcake that i am..none really understand me and that, apparently, contributes to my "charm"..hehe..

so there i am..abnormal..weird..a certifiable lunatic (according to societal norms, at least)..i am no hypochondriac but i dare anyone to open up a psychology journal n not find at least 15 different mental illnesses that i seem to be afflicted with..but then again, most psychology journals are written by dumb americans who think every tiny thing can be written off as a mental illness..no wonder i found something to blame my laziness in college.."delayed sleep phase syndrome"..quite a mouthful, ain't it??..and the beauty of it was that i didn't even have to make it up..thank u google n wikipedia for letting me go through college without having to attend classes..lol..

anyway, i digress..as usual..so where was i?? ahh..yeah..psychopathy..again wikipedia comes to my aid in defining it as "a term which, until the 1980s, formally referred to a personality disorder characterized by the inability to form human attachment and an abnormal lack of empathy, masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal"..it fits, don't u think?? inability to form human attachment - check, lack of empathy - check, ability to appear outwardly normal - check!!

i had never really thought of going about naming what might be wrong with me (not that i agree that anything is wrong at all)..but when one day in college i hit upon that charming little wiki article on psychopathy during one of my many travails through the timepass heaven that is internet, i still remember saying inside my head: "ding ding ding..bingo!"..stuff fell into place..

dunno if there is an earlier post of mine about this..anyway..i have always liked things..material objects..just.."stuff"..i have never been the coochi-cooing with people type..i interact with people only as far as i need to..i get more cut up about my computer crashing than a person dying..and people i have always viewed as replaceable..they come and go..that kid u played with in kindergarten and who was ur best friend then may not be ur best friend now..u may have a different best friend who has taken the place of ur old best friend..so the post of "best friend" is constant but the person occupying it keeps changing..even i have seemed to be great friends with a lot of people over the years but i can say with conviction that less than a dozen are (or were ever) really considered as "friends" by me..the rest are just random people i am not averse to talking to when i am very bored and none of my friends are available..people are anyway not among my favourites.."people are boring..they are only amusing if you push them down a flight of stairs"..i never did have much regard for human life..too harsh?? ahh well..if that article is really to be believed, its weird that i consider anyone a friend at all..stuff makes me happy..i like stuff more..i could live out my life if i had all the stuff i wanted..simple..hehe..so really it didn't feel like a bolt of lightning hitting me when i read that article..it was more like - oooh really?? cool name of new thingy i seem to have..

i remember telling a friend sometime back that he was timepass..i still don't understand why he seemed so offended and hurt to hear that..life itself is timepass for me..everything i do, everyone i speak to, it is all in order to pass time so that i am not bored..it makes perfect sense to me that a person would live his/her life trying to achieve his/her goals..and my goal just happens to be my own happiness (and i really think most normal people would agree that it makes for a very understandably "normal" goal)..and being bored does not make me happy..is it so inconceivable that i would want to surround myself with those things and people and only with those things and people which are able to give me that?? incidentally, that friend went on to become one of my best friends but still harbours the belief that i do not think of him as important enough..which is weird considering that he is still on timepassing terms with me..maybe i should have explained to him that most people i talk to (but do not think of as friends) are not timepass material and what i had said back then was kind of a compliment..hmmm..

n why m i blabbing all this suddenly out of the blue?? well, as it happens, one of my best friends who had previously claimed never to develop feelings for anyone else, went the utterly predictable route n fell for a girl who was already taken by someone else..needless to say, heartache followed..n so did a nice medium-timed telephone conversation..which got me to thinking (ahh thinking..*sigh*..it's a thing i have to get used to now that i have oh so much idle time to while away)..well it's not like i really didn't expect him to fall for someone..in fact, i was the one who had been telling him for a long time now that he would fall - n fall big - for some girl..it's just that..now i am officially the only one (that i know of) who actually is incapable of feeling such kind of emotions for a person..aaaaaaand if the wiki article on "dissociative identity disorder" is to be believed, then one of me (at least) is a psychopath..there! isn't that a lovely thought?? :)

ps: aah..a nice long rant at last..some vintage moi..sashiburi sashiburi..i thought i had gotten too lazy to blogify random rants like this any more..glad to be proven wrong :P

mesmerizing..

those eyes that caught my attention
that sadistic gleam which was there but a minute
that one glance which told me everything yet nothing
you imprisoned me with just a glare

those eyes which seemed to have a mind of their own
that smile so thin it could cut you
the malice behind it but barely veiled
just who had made you so??

ahem ahem

i loved you, till u killed me
i was there, till u threw me away
but even as i breathed my last
i did not blame you
perhaps i loved you too much
or maybe i just didn't care..

posting from archived old random posts..this was actually part of a long emo piece.. from another time n place..its rather embarrassing reading through it all now..but this part was still quite more poetic than the rest..

so this was my 1st post of the year..after a nice loooooong siesta..lets see if i can get regular in blogging again..

oh! calcutta..

guess its high time i dropped a few words on my favourite city..the city i was born in..partially grew up in..the city that i call home now..got a lot of memories attached to it..childhood memories which are all sort of a blur coz i didn't know one end of cal from the other and the entire city was sort of a maze for me..i still remember that i was struggling to recall the way from howrah station to dida's place at jodhpur park the first time i seriously contemplated running away from home (i was 5 or 6 years old at that time i think..of course i didn't do it..dad caught up with me halfway down to the main road n coaxed me back home..hehe)..so there r those memories of going all around cal with parents..every part of the city seemingly new every time i came over..and new memories a few years later when the city started to change..em bypass became all awesome..salt lake became habitable..flyovers came up..forum opened its doors (the first mall since sriram arcade!..which isn't really a mall but then we didn't know any better before..n the tube elevators were sooo cool..hehe)..puja pandals became "international"..fancy stores cropped up..ccds n baristas opened up at every corner..multiplexes n malls came up all over the place..

but even when it's changed, a few things still remain constant..n those r what i love the best..like watching the mountains of white clouds on a clear sunny day..like the grey sky of a monsoon afternoon behind the white marble of victoria memorial, partially hidden behind green trees..bandhs..those mandatory holidays that even evil bosses cannot take away..the traffic jams which make for a ready-made excuse, even if i was the one who left 15 minutes late..hehe..how the bustling gariahat more at 9.30 pm is almost completely deserted by 10.00 pm..the deathtrap that is the "auto"..sitting in front, hanging on for dear life as it rivals a rollercoaster's trail..how the cheapest of food joints serve the tastiest of dishes..how gariahat shoes last way longer than "branded stuff"..allllll the awesome awesome food..hehe..phuchka n chats..chop n singara..biryani n chinese..ilish n pomfret n watnot..and the people..love how lazy everyone is..love how still kids come out to play cricket in the streets in the evenings..how the lake is still the same..full of couples u just itch to go n disturb..durga puja and all the hustle bustle that comes with it..the old fashioned melas at every fair ground..those games which are still the same as when i was 10..

(to be contd.)

chocolates!!!

i want a box of chocolates..i wanna finish a nice biiiig box of chocolates..assorted ones..some with rum in them..some with nuts..some just chocolate..some sweet..some sticky..some bitter..some crunchy..nice round ones u unwrap n plop into ur mouth..n heaven.. *sigh*

me..chocolates..want!! *stomp stomp*

kaleidoscope of emotions..or..what u will..

as i sat down to draft a petition
my mind automatically drifted away
as i started typing words which had no meaning
i frantically tried to keep sleep at bay

but my mind being my mind
had a mind of its own
and much as i tried to reign it in
at last i had to let it go

out flowed words i never imagined i could write
poetry so hauntingly beautiful, it actually gave me a fright!

for the usual me possesses no poetry
my soul resembles a barren land
but finally as my torrent burst forth
emotions tugged at me i could barely understand

a veritable kaleidoscope it was
wild and free
yet too much too fast
i never knew what possessed me

i thought i would be able to translate it all on paper
and finally publish a piece worthy of me
but words ran dry as soon as i dipped my pen in ink
alas! poignant poetry is still not my cup of tea

hence i shall leave it at this
a mere attempt at a great feat
maybe some day i shall emerge triumphant
but tonight i am beat

best time of the day

this was always her favourite time of the day..walking home from work..late enough that the streets were deserted and quiet..but early enough that there was no real danger involved in roaming the empty streets..a light cool breeze blowing..a few of her favourite old melodies playing on the radio..the area free of the usual cacophony of life as she quietly hummed a few notes under her breath..yes this was definitely her time..

she slowly made her way to the intersection..walking lazily along..much different from her usual "march of doom" as a few people so eloquently put it..she forgot about her day..finally for a few minutes at the very least she could be free of the constant reminders of pending this n drafting that..coz once she set foot inside her flat, reality would come sneaking back in with the slam of the door..so for these lazy few minutes she let the wind ruffle her hair gently..let it calm her down..looked up at the moon and the drifting clouds..smiled faintly at some obscure memory of after dinner walks with friends..and made her way slowly towards where her life lay in wait..

blah blah blabbity blah

Nobody loves me..

Nobody cares..

I'm going to the garden..

To eat some worms..

Big fat squiggly worms..
Small thin wriggly worms..
I'm going to the garden..
To eat some worms..

funny how we remember stuff like this from way back in primary school but forget what we studied last night..


have been feeling very nostalgic for the past few days..n then i just had to go and have a 3 hour conversation with an old school friend..come to think of it, we've known each other for about 8 years now!!..how time flies..even more nostalgic now..feel reaaaaaally old all of a sudden..wanna meet friends n talk about nothing..random gossip..of who's doing what..of link ups n break ups..sum gud ol' fashioned leg pulling..play dumb charades or truth or dare..make obscure jokes only we would laugh about..reread slam books for the umpteenth time..and then update them..again..meet a long forgotten old crush n still feel a blush coming on at his sight..go back in time..explore all the "what ifs"..find out things about friends i never knew or bothered about before..talk of the books n movies we used to watch and the memories attached to them..browse old pictures n marvel on how different we used to look..prank call guys to make "popat"..talk about absentee friends..about friends who got married right after school and dropped off the face of the earth..do a gazillion things one can do only with people you've known practically all your life..

if there's one thing i hate about my life, it's that i never have enough time or energy to go meet up with friends who live like a stone's throw away from me..and it's only gonna get worse..and some day in the future, there will be no more worms to eat in the garden.. *sigh*

congregation!!

a bit late in writing this..considering i've been meaning to do it ever since i actually got on the flight back n started missing my friends..and a week later, m still missing them..

so here goes..my ode to a magical weekend..dedicated to ghosty, hosty n toasty..from your very own roasty!!
 

easter weekend of 2010..will go down at least in my history as one of my most memorable weekends..its true that friends are the family you choose..and i chose the best ones of the lot..n the craziest too thankfully or they'd never be able to stand me longterm..hehe..impromptu trips across the country are now part of the deal..people were shocked to hear that the normally terribly stingy me was shelling out big bucks to fly to mumbai to meet friends for apparently no reason whatsoever..which is what made it all the more exciting..wouldn't have enjoyed it as much if there were a reason..like a wedding or sumthing..coz then the bride would be too busy being, well, the bride..and we'd be one member short..as it was now, it was absolutely perfect..

while i was rushing to dum dum from court (actually as it turns out, i didn't need to rush..figures that there would never be any traffic when i start out early enough to account for it), it all still seemed pretty unreal..there i was..flying to a city i had never been to before..made plans with people i had never met before..absolutely unsure of where i would be when..na this all sounds scary..it wasn't..just that it was pretty crazy planning everything last minute..and an extremely boring flight later, i was in the desi version of the big apple..and there was a familiar face greeting me at the airport..and suddenly it was like it all became clear..like when ur ears pop open after the flight evens out and suddenly u can hear everything properly..and that's how one of my most amazing weekends started..

chronicling everything here would be a tedious job..and one that the lazy me is not inclined to engage in..suffice to say that i met everyone i wanted to and more..best friends..brother..one of the verrrry few people i knew only through internet and actually liked..bf..random guy i had interned with years back n bumped into again now..friends of friends..n apparently even bagged a future client!..shopped..ate..drank..roamed around the city in the middle of the night..had a few sessions of our crazy photoshoots..spent all night chitchatting about everything under the sun..n a few topics over it..drooled over hot guys in movies..watched a crappy movie n made fun of it..slept all smushed together like sardines in a can..woke up later than we planned..had a lazy drowsy afternoon talking about everything and nothing at all..shared memories of times spent together..and apart..and so much much more..

heres to hoping that this starts a trend..of meeting up randomly..congregating just because..and heres to hoping that the next destination is kol..coz, man, am i broke!

cheerio~

a moment of pure happiness ^_^

one second..n it seems everything's going well with my life..
1. going to mumbai this weekend..gonna meet all my best friends from college after almost a year..
2. getting paid tomorrow..
3. a client i had been waiting for since january finally landed up..if they had not come today, i would have had to cancel next weekend's plans..
4. joyda praised me..
5. it is raining in kol..finally!!

ps: one day i get called aunty and the next day i need to show an age proof for watching LSD..i have given up wondering how old i look really.. *sigh*

to be noted

watching mushy romantic movies while ur bf is out of town for 3 months is injurious to health..it makes one down 1/2 a bottle of vodka after a dinner of chocolate chip ice-cream..

aunty!!

remember that old hair dye ad where some not-so-old woman gets grey hair and is called aunty by the neighbour's kid?? i can still clearly hear the "aunty..aunty..aunty.." fading into the background as she makes a face like her entire life just fell apart..

well..some kids just came by for chanda..n for the first time ever, i got called aunty!!!!!! lol..it was really funny..m normally called didi at best..but wow..aunty!!..hehe..felt like i was all grown up n all..how i wish this had happened in front of my colleagues back in kolkata who think i am nearer 4 than 24..or other friends who still apparently think of me as a scraggly school girl or something..its sad that the only person here to appreciate my "aunty moment" was my 93 year old granddad who's deaf and hence didn't hear a thing.. :P

ahh..the ironies of life.. *sigh*

......

those eyes which seemed to have a mind of their own
that smile so thin it could cut you
the malice behind it barely veiled
just who had made you so?

thoughts at 2.28 am..

i just read your letter again..the one u wrote me the first night after we broke up..did u know??..it was my first ever love letter, if it can even be called that..can't i guess..but still, a letter given to me by someone who loved me..loves me still, or so you claim..the first time i read it that evening, i was furious at quite a few parts..n there were a hundred different answers i wanted to throw at u..i ended up not doing anything at all i think..i guess i needed some time to pass before i read it again calmly..and know what??..this time i felt terribly terribly sad..not angry..not sorry..not guilty..just incredibly sad..i know we will never be friends..you wouldn't be able to be that..and i don't want u to act, at least not when it's just the two of us..and you'll revert back to the guy who loved me if u stop acting as friends..and i'll start feeling guilty again and become all depressed n morose..

its funny u know..i love my friends much much more than any random guy m dating..i'd ditch the guy in a heartbeat if any of my friends needed me and it came down to a choice..that's actually what we've fought over quite a few times..my giving importance to apparently insignificant things in a friend's life as opposed to him..but that's the thing..they aren't insignificant to me..every conversation i have with them, whether it's talking about something terribly important or nothing at all, is important to me..and i find it unfair to put this one guy above all of them merely because i am dating him n m in love with him n stuff..of course, if it were a clear choice between two people in bad situations, i'd choose the person who needed me the most, regardless of whether he is a friend, a boyfriend or some random person i just met..and that's what's funny..i can't truly care about u as a friend till i know that u think of me as a friend too..which is weird coz i normally don't care what people think of me and am a friend anyway..but i guess this time it's a bit different..since u r not just any person..and if i do show that i care, you might take it the wrong way..and i do think that u need to get over me and i wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise that any further than i already have by complicating things more..you probably think m really weird..constantly harping on u to be friends with me..like some pushy kindergarten kid..it's just that..i really do like u a lot..and i can't show it if i can't label it with a tag like "friend"..my best friend among guys is an ex (though he's blanked it out of his mind that we ever went out..lol)..that's how it always is..i either become amazing friends with guys i used to go out with or my amazing friends fall for me..hehe..

i always did think we could be good friends..of course, i had also thought that i'd fall for you, and we both know how that turned out..anyway..do u remember??..i always used to tell u that i was a heartless bitch and that it was ur job to make this heartless bitch care??..remember how i always told u to make me fall for u??..i wouldn't have said that if i didn't believe that u could do it..i guess that in time you would have..i have always known that i have trust issues..major ones..and i can't just go ahead n fall for someone..however much i wanted to..my better self would prevail and would prevent me from ever going completely overboard..i would always have a part which would doubt everything..and if ever anything went wrong, that doubting part of me coupled with a more than healthy dosage of pride would come to the forefront and keep me from breaking down..that's the secret to moving on in an instant i guess..lol..

u wouldn't ever understand why i can't trust anyone..and i don't think i could properly explain it to you either..n no i don't trust him either, in case u were thinking that i do..but in time, i've learnt to believe that he means no harm at the very least..did u know??..i started going out with him coz i was bored and coz i was curious..we used to have all these conversations about sadism..n how it would be an amazing challenge to break another sadist..i actually told him to his face that i thought he asked me out only to try and break me..imagine hearing that from the girl u are completely in love with..hearing that not only does she not have any feelings for you, but she believes u actually mean to harm her instead..imagine what he must have gone through and what he must have had to do to make that girl believe in him and even love him..she kept on throwing test after test at him, trying to make him slip up..but he stuck to his guns..if he had run away even once, that would have been the end of it..like it was with u..with someone like me, u should never leave a door open..i am known to always expect the worst..

i have never broken anyone quite as much as i've broken u i think..and i feel guilty as hell every time i think about it..the only other time that i've ever come close to feeling this is when one of my really good friends fell for me and refused to believe that i did not have any romantic feelings for him..i was merely being normal and friendly towards him, which he took to mean something more..it was then that i decided that it sends out entirely wrong signals if u r "nice" to a guy..i have not been "nice" since..rarely have i ever initiated conversations..sent that first sms..told anyone i missed them or called them up "just like that"..n the times that i have done so, i can count on the fingers of one hand..

you know what??..when he asked me out, i didn't even feel 1/100th of what i felt when u asked me out that morning..isn't it ironic??..with u, i actually thought i'd fall for u..with him, i was merely bored n curious n to some extent wanted to show that i had moved on too, i guess..silly..i genuinely never believed that i'd fall for him..i had hoped of course, like i did every time i agreed to go out with anyone..but by that time, i was more like "bleh..i don't care either way"..and i mistrusted him a lot more than i mistrusted u..or maybe because of u..dunno..

do u know the moment i stopped waiting for you??..the moment i knew it was "over"??..that rainy evening i messaged saying some random guy tried to pick me up on the street..we hadn't spoken in a few days and i was beginning to think that it was over..and i should move on..and i looked for an excuse to message..coz u know i always need to have a "reason" to message..just to see how you'd reply..n you asked me why i hadn't gone with him..i detest caveman-like jealousy or possessiveness..i do..and by all standards, i should have been delighted by your reply..dunno why i wasn't though..and..that was it..i could hear it you know..*clank*..something closed up..and i was out..

lol..1 hour and i am still rambling on randomly..pretty much disjointed thoughts..things i've always wanted to say but never could..things which i felt you would never understand..things u wouldn't wanna hear anyway..things u wouldn't believe even if u did hear them..n of course this ain't all..anyway..back to the point..i read your letter again..i cried..probably coz of the gurren lagann ost playing in the background..

ps: i am in two minds about whether to publish this..few people will know what it's all about anyway..n the ones who will, i am afraid wouldn't like me very much for airing their laundry, dirty or otherwise, in public, so to speak..

~edit~
pps: well looks like i did publish it after all..lol.. :P

hometown weddings..

the best weddings are the ones which u return home to attend..of old school friends n neighbours n all..n the worst weddings are the ones which u return home to attend..which has moms of said old school friends n neighbours n all in attendance..not that i dnt like them or anythg..they are perfectly nice ppl..just that..they seem to luv wanting to parade me around like m sum sorta new piece at a museum..n of course with it comes the inevitable "do u recognize meeeee??" frm everyone in terribly pseudo baby tones..like m still 2 yrs old inside n hence have to b addressed as such..then theres the "omg uv grown sooo much"..thats not really surprising is it now??..i mean, if after 5 years, i didnt grow up..then that wud b something to exclaim over!..but worst thing ever??..getting called by ur most embarrassing pet name which u have been trying really hard to make ppl forget about..not just called, more like screeched at from different corners of the room..*shudder*

its actually quite cute in small doses..nice to meet ppl u used to know almost a lifetime ago..nice to reminiscence..nice to listen to funny tidbits about a forgotten childhood..but when i see a veritable drove of aunties descending on me..thats when i get an urge to turn tail and run..

ps: to all the old school frnds who r reading this n thinking m writing about their moms..m kidding..its actually not that bad..n quite fun..

love is..

i remember how i used to read this comic strip which used to come in statesman (wow that was a loooong time ago!) of this cute chubby naked married couple called "love is"..with cutesy one liners about what love is..last night i kinda had a moment like that..

love is..when he tells you "i feel for you like you feel for ham".. >_<

ps: btw this was my 100th post..i agonised for days thinking how i should write an "appropriate" post to commemorate the occasion..lol..n look how it ended up..hehe..

return of the boredom..

yes i am bored..again..i know..story of my life..giant seas of boredom interspaced with tiny land masses of fun..well i am seasick..

got to reading my own blog..yes i am *that* bored..was kinda unsettling to note that most of my posts either start off or end on or at least mention in passing that i am bored..its like its official..on the record..that at least since 2006, i have been bored more or less all the time..but my life kinda rocks as compared to a few others i know..it must suck to be bored AND have a crappy life..at least i don't have that on my plate..still bored tho..

dammit i want a congregation in kol asap!! i know that at least ananya reads this fairly regularly..so plz..set the ball rolling..

ps: do ppl who write pompous blogs actually think in such complicated language or just use such words in their blogs to make them seem more "meaningful"??

blog tweet

so this is wat has been bugging me tonight..well at least a considerable portion of it..

"he's everything you want, he's everything you need
he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
he says all the right things at exactly the right time
but he means nothing to you and you don't know why.."

fn: vertical horizon - "everything you want"..

ok scratch the 1st two lines..its the last two which r down pat on the point..

ps: yes..i have issues..

pps: i wish ghosty were reading this..she'd understand the real meaning behind it..i guess..

ppps: i love barney (the one from himym n NOT the purple dino!)

pppps: i wanna play the slap bet board game too!!..n wow that was some mental ad..

suddenly sad..

a few hours back..heck like just 15 mins back, i remember being bored..immeasurably bored..trying to find something to occupy my mind..n suddenly now m sad..not depressed..not lonely..not nostalgic..just very very sad about something..weird coz i don't have anything to be sad about really..hmm..

timeline of wake up sid's release..well..not entirely..

at work..bored outta my mind..went blog hunting..greatbong had some amazing stuff as usual..but when my demented laughter started turning a few heads, had to change tracks..landed up on a "mush blog"..that is to say, a typical mushy-wushy poem/prose blog stating in increasingly gory details blow-by-blow accounts of all her relationships starting from when she was a baby!!..but again when my demented laughter rang out after reading a few posts, had to remove myself to more serious pursuits..didnt happen..few more random n boring blogs later chanced upon the following post: "timeline of wake up sids release" ..needless to say my demented laughter made yet another appearance..

i gave up and gave in..no work and all play makes me bored and laugh..dementedly..apparently.. :P

boy boy then..

ps: need tips to commercialise my blog..turning out to be more "dear diary" type than i intended..and i need to be a famous movie star to pull that off commercially..hmm..well whatever..