it could be termed as a "crush" at best..certainly nothing more..well maybe if it had been allowed to continue..i probably wud have ended up falling fr him..fr real..n real bad..but thats the whole point..i didnt..cudnt..so y??..y now??..y do i still miss him so much after all these years like it was just yesterday??
guess i'll forever be plagued by thoughts..of him..us..what was..what could have been??..weird na??..never thought id end up obsessing over it after - how long has it been?? - 6 years (wow..its actually been that long??)..probably didnt think too much of it even on the "anniversary" days since..yeah sumtimes lil things did remind me of those days..but i could just laugh it off or something like that..or devote 5 mins or so to reminiscing n then get back on track..which is somehow not working now..cant blv i have nothing othr than memories of us..nothing tangible..no gifts..no cute lil teddy bears..no rings..only..four mails saved in my mailbox..just four..nothing special..just normal "hi..wen r ur vacations next??..cuming to cal sumtime??..u shudnt bunk school so much in b/w"..hehe..feel like laughing n crying every time at the same time wen i read them now..again..n again..n yet again..we had such normal conversations..nice n innocent..coz every other mail with even a hint of anythg else i deleted asap..dunno wat i was afraid of..noone wud have read them anyway..but me being the paranoid freak-show that i am deleted them as soon as i read them (really i think i had read one too many detective books where old letters gave everythg away..hehe)..i should have saved at least one..for old times sake..but not me..always thought there wud b plenty of time to do all that "later" or "wen we grew up"..a vague idea of a future??..n i even went to the extent of deleting them from his sent items wenever i was over at his place..really stupid ne??..even those times..fighting over my paranoia of being discovered..n he was always so calm..but then rarely did anythg rattle him..while i flew off the handle far too much fr my own good..would go all "vesuvius" on him as he put it..n hed calmly keep smiling at me till i was too exhausted to continue..god!! that was irritating as hell..wanted to rip that smile off (well if the same situation arose now..id probably..umm..kiss it off??..hehe..there i go..being mushy again..hehe)..i remm like only a couple of times that we really argued abt sumthg..two-sided arguments i mean..n both times it was coz i had overreacted over sumthg quite trivial n gotten him too mad..but man was he scary wen angry..hehe..n cho cute too!!..one time i actually laughed out loud in b/w he was being sooo cute..hehe..
god the memories..now that im seriously thinking about it all..theres just too many to write here..dunno wich to write n wich not to..in all the time we were together we did so many things..he was the one who got me hooked to comps..before that id merely dismissed them as these "tv look-alikes" in my dads office..useless basically..hehe..it was principally to mail him that i ventured into cyberspace n discovered the joys of internet..n it was also him who introduced me to comp games.."road rash"..will always remm the first time i came first in the race..hehe..danced around like mad..that was the first time he hugged me (more like glomped me!)..probably just to calm me down from all the random jumping around his room..but id like to think otherwise..hehe..i was so shocked i went like "statue" (yeah we used to play that a lot those days..hehe) n he started laughing..n it was so weird coz i cud actually "feel" him laughing..hehe..n even tho i like to maintain that im incapable of blushing i think that that was the one exception wen i went tomato-red from the neck up..n he had such an amused expression on his face..he teased me mercilessly for days on end after that..jerk!!..but now id give anythg to have him tease me like that..just one more time..its weird..out of all the guys iv known..many reminded me of him..in certain terms..but none could replace that mischevious smirk he had forever plastered on his face while teasing me..n god wat a memory he had!!..inhuman..remembered every single teeny tiny lil thing i goofed up in..things even id have forgotten..its like he had a "tease bank" where hed stock up on all this just so he cud make fun of me by recounting them to me wen i would least expect it..it was like his favourite past-time was to try n make my life one living hell..n i loved every freaking minute of it..hehe..
now that i think abt it..i never did get to know wat he ever saw in me..hehe..in all those times we had our "heart-to-hearts" i never once cud find the courage to ask y he chose me..thinking back now dunno y i hesitated..the answer couldnt probably have been as frightening as i was making it out to be..n now that'll forever be one of those lil things il regret..which cant be undone..not now..not ever..oh how i wish he wasnt coming that day..or at least was taking the train like his dad wanted him to..i wish he didnt knw how to drive..i wish his driver wasnt dumb enough to leave him n run off to "scout out" the cause of the jam..i wish he wasnt the oversmart jerk he was who thought he could do anythg he wanted..i wish he wasnt dumb enough not to knw that truck drivers *will* cut u off every chance they get..i wish he would have said something before..i wish everything didnt have to end just in one foolish moment of misjudgement..leaving so much unsaid..but most of all..i wish he really meant it wen he said "see ya this evening"..i wish he had kept that promise..
i knw now that it was just a crush..a passing fancy..n it didnt really take me "forever" to get over him like id thought..but if tht evening he had come..if he'd kept that promise..i think it would have turned out differently..i would probably have been studyin in iit if he got in..or sumwhere in cal..with him..yeah..with him..i might have actually become a "nice girl" (yeah even tho now the very idea gives me the creeps!!)..so iv changed frm back then??..or maybe m still the same bt would have changed had he stayed..well wat can i say..guess he took a bit of me with him wen he left..n left a bit of him inside me.. :)
okee regarding the above..wat shall i call it??..ficlet??..short story??..random crack??..basically a very haphazard account of god only knows what..bit n pieces of this n that joined together making a huge mess..hmmmm..dunno y i even wrote all that up..now..actually had gone off to bed..half n hour of tossing n turning n thinking too much got me up again..guess just had to pen it down or my mind wudnt give it a rest..dunno y tho..maybe an overdose of "bokura ga ita"??..shudnt be tho..totally different..tho it is kinda cute..but probably anythg would be "cute" after the torture that was "school days"..even thinking about it makes me shudder!!
anyway now that its all out..
toodles!!
ps: would give an arm n a leg to have him online now..but guess thats gonna be kinda "difficult" right?? :(
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